today you are seven months old

Dear Seth,

I am a couple of weeks late in finishing this newsletter to you, and the process of leaving off and revisiting the post has taught me that motherhood carries with it a healthy dose of amnesia. I just now sat down to write to you and realized that not only had I already started this monthly recollection, but that I recollected this month a lot differently two weeks ago than I do now. A couple of weeks ago I wrote:

What a month we have had! It's been really fun, but also very traumatic in some ways and baby, I'm tired!

So you remember how when you were itty bitty you were such a great sleeper and we were so lucky? No, it turns out you don't remember that. Because this month you have shown us a newly developed complete lack of understanding of how to sleep.

Yes, I do still remember those newfound sleep issues, but they don't seem nearly as catastrophic as they must have seemed in the moment. And the fact that I am less upset by your 6-month-old sleep issues may have something to do with the two more recent weeks, whose sleep battles are a bit more monumental. Tune in next month for details on that.

I guess the mommy amnesia is healthy. It colours my memories of your babyhood with such a rosy brush. But this should also be a forewarning to you: I will never see anything the way you do, or even the way your Dad does. To me you will always be a little bit better than you really are, a little bit easier, a little bit smarter, and a little bit cuter. Moms are supposed to think this way - probably an evolutionary measure to keep us from offing you in those sleepless mid-night hours.

But there's a lot that's been fun about this month. You in and of yourself are fun - your excitement is contagious, and you can make everyone who is within earshot and eyesight of you smile.

Also, you're this close to crawling. This is not to say that you aren't mobile. In fact, when we put you down on the ground we can't expect to return to find you anywhere near where we left you - you just roll on over to where you want to be - chasing toys, dogs, Charlotte. Where your whims lead you, there you do go. This is very fun despite what all the experienced moms in my life warn me about. Everyone who already has kids keeps telling me to enjoy these months of immobility while they last, because there is no turning back once you realize you can move. But your Dad and I are actually really looking forward to that. We can't wait to help you explore larger and larger areas of your world.

As a first step in expanding your horizons, we enrolled you in swimming lessons. You had a bit of a rough time with it the first week, though I think you were more put off by the temperature of the water than by the swimming lesson activities. Your subsequent lessons have been so much fun - you're so relaxed! I'm apprehensive about getting you to go underwater, but I have a few weeks to deal with my anxiety before I have to push it aside so as not to pass it on to you.

Finally, to further widen your world, this month we took you on your first camping trip. Camping is something that your Dad and I really really like a lot, and many of our discussions before you were born revolved around how on earth we were going to brainwash you into liking the outdoors too. We agreed that we have to start early, but the first time that grass touched your body you screamed bloody murder - yeah, camping would be awesome, right? Needless to say, I approached this adventure with a bit of trepidation, because meeting your needs in our own house can be tough at times. Doing the same in the wild seemed an epic task! Also, with the sleep issues we've been having, we were honestly cringing at the thought of what our camping neighbors might have to endure! So how did it go? Swimmingly well! We can't believe how you adapted to our new fresh-air abode without batting an eye (No seriously - why don't you blink?) . Not only were you awesome in the car for all of our whole driving adventure through New Hampshire, but you didn't seem fazed by your change of environs at all. The whole campground thanks you!

So, Seth, overall it's been another great month for us. Whether that is just the way my mommy-brain makes me see it, or because it actually was just another awesome month - who knows. But I promise I will remember it happily for the rest of my life.

Love,

Mum

today you are six months old

Dear Seth,

I don't know what happened, baby, but the day you turned five months old being a mother became really HARD. You have not stopped being an easy and delightful baby, but for some reason this all just became really exhausting and overwhelming to me. I think that as long as everything was going okay, "doing it all" was easy. But all of a sudden you started to eat 50% more per bottle-feeding than you used to, and right about the same time I started producing about 50% less milk per pumping session at work. Right then "doing it all" became really really hard. And that is only the first of our traumas for this, your sixth month!

I love being a mom, and I love my job, but having to split myself between both worlds makes me feel like I'm not doing either one of those things to the best of my abilities. And that makes me feel kinda crummy, ya know? Coincidentally, one of the vice presidents at my company recently resigned/stepped down because she felt she was not able to spend enough time with her young boys. To top it off, on our way back from our most recent trip to Canada I heard a program on either CBC or NPR about multitasking, and it gave this one example of a little girl who had just made a momentous discovery involving colours and couldn't wait to share it with her dad. Unfortunately he was so busy doing so many other things that he couldn't give her the proper time and attention to celebrate her discovery. The program went on to say that children understand at a surprisingly young age when they are being ignored, or are at least not being given undivided attention. My guilt is now complete; I am officially a Mom.

As a result of the whole world food crisis - your world, that is - we have got you started on big boy food. This was a tough decision for me to make, because I really wanted to do the right thing by you and exclusively breastfeed to 6 months. Alas, you apparently had other things in mind. So we started you off with rice cereal (not a big hit), and quickly moved you on to bananas which remain one of your best foods. We can even mix some rice cereal in with your bananas and you don't freak out - that's how much you like bananas. Avocados were your next food, and I must say that I'm impressed with how much you have taken to them. After avocados came applesauce, followed by oatmeal cereal, sweet potato, butternut squash, prunes, peaches and peas. That's pretty good for 3 weeks of solids! Too bad that big boy food has to come with all the trials and tribulations of big boy poop!

I'll never forget the look on your face the moment you figured out the mechanics of eating. I was fighting with you over bananas, using the Gerber "Lil Dipper" spoon we had, when all of a sudden you accidentally started sucking on it and got a belly full of bananas! Your eyes lit up, you sat up straighter in your Bumbo, and reached out with both hands for the next spoonful... The "mmm... bananas" video that I posted is the remainder of that mealtime. You've been a champion eater ever since.

We have also given you a sippy cup with a bit of water in it, which you took to quite nicely. Well, let me qualify that: I don't think you have actually figured out that there is any liquid in there, but you sure do like to grab both handles in your little hands and chew on the sippy part! As impressed as we are with your ability to get the proper part in your pie-hole at least more than half of the time, I think it might be a while yet before you figure out that theres good stuff inside to be had. In the meantime, you are learning quite quickly how to drink from an adult cup, which is kind of neat!

Now maybe the fierce chewing on the sippy cup should have clued us in (it didn't), but not two weeks after starting solids you have cut your first tooth! Your second one followed within days, and now you have these two tiny little bottom teeth protruding through your gums. Most babies, when they begin teething, get really fussy. They cry a lot, become feverish and inconsolable. But you? No. We didn't even realize you were teething until I poked my finger into your mouth one mealtime and was surprised by these new sharp things in your mouth!

So as delightful as all this is, this month was also a month of great stress for me. Apart from the milk supply issue and the guilt over not being able to give you all of my time and attention, there is nanny drama. We had to (quite abruptly) let the nanny, Stacey, go because she was becoming increasingly unreliable. The actual story was a bit more extreme, but I will leave it at that. Suffice it to say that we are back to the drawing board and looking again for a caregiver for you. I'm a little gunshy, since our first nanny sitation turned sour so quickly; we may instead look to find you a nice home daycare situation instead.

I don't know what we would have done if Sarah and your friend Charlotte had not been able to fill in on short notice! They come over every day and hang out with you - what fun for you to have a playmate so close to your own age! You and Lotte seem to be great buddies. I think you enjoy the sight of another baby, and I'm hoping that the couple months' worth of development that she has on you will encourage you to learn all sorts of mobility and mischief from her.

This may not have been our most stress-free month, but there have been some very magical developments. For the first time, it really feels like you know us for who we are. When Dad or I come home after work, you express such huge joy at seeing us that we forget how tough or tiring our day has been. Your smile becomes wider than your face, you flap your arms in excitement, you screech and coo, and just recently you have started reaching out your arms to us. This kind of unfettered love and total devotion warms the heart like nothing else. I hope you know that when we pick you up and you wrap your arms tightly around our necks, when we squeeze you back and snuggle our faces into your neck, that we feel that complete and perfect love right back at you.

Has this been an easy month? No way. Has it been worth it?

Seth, you will always be worth it.


Love,


Mummy

today you are five months old

Dear Seth,

Congratulations on learning how to fall asleep. I have had the good fortune, lately, of being able to put you down in your bed awake, leave, and tiptoe back a few minutes later to find you dead asleep with nary a peep. And still, you are sleeping at night (well, except for that brief, 4-day interlude where you woke up ready to play at 3 am and threw a fit when we didn't want to let you). Am I the luckiest mama in the world? For so many reasons, I just might be. In terms of sleep? Almost surely. In fact, your Dad and I recently overheard someone saying that their baby wakes every 45 minutes all night long, but sleeps well during the daytime. We thank every power that may or may not be that you were never like that. And now that we have you fully converted to daytime naps and many many hours of uninterrupted nighttime sleep, we think it's time for you to have your own room. You've graduated.

This last month has been a celebration of independence on your part. You seem so much more at ease in this crazy world, and you are learning how to do things on your own. Last month saw you learn to hold your own bottle, and this month has brought you the ability to put your own cork back in your mouth, roll over from side to side, reach for (and play deliberately and intently with) your toys, stand up (albeit with some support from us) and most importantly, the ability to just hang out in your crib without losing your marbles. No seriously, we lay you in there, give you a couple of toys, and then we can actually do things like get ready for work and you just play by yourself and delight us with your funny noises. I know, I should realize that these small independences are really just a prelude to the agonies we will suffer when you realize you also have independent thought, but for now it's pretty darned cool!

Having said that, I must point out that this is also the month that you discovered that you do not like to be bored. Can I tell you a story about the first day you got bored? We were driving from Fort Lauderdale to Orlando to catch our plane back home from Florida (where I was attending a conference while you, Dad, and Grammie and Grumps all got to bask in the sunshine and play in the ocean), and you started to cry. Just a little at first, but then much more insistent. It was really making everyone in the car pretty annoyed, I don't mind telling you, and even though you weren't quite ready to be hungry, and shouldn't really have been tired, everyone figured that one of those things must be the cause. Oh, but not me. I know your cries, and this one was not a tired cry, and it was not a hungry cry, and it was not even your uncomfortable cry. This was new. This, I was pretty sure, was boredom. As soon as we stopped at a rest stop and took you out of your car seat, guess what? You stopped crying. And thus signalled the end of life as we had come to know it.

But there are up-sides to your development of a limited attention span. For example, this implies that you pay attention! Yes, you are now capable of focusing your attention on things, toys, activities. You are so aware of your surroundings, and you reach out to your world in such delightful ways. All of your senses seem to be engaging with the world around you - you are no longer a passive observer. Where you used to watch attentively, you now reach out to touch - be it a toy, a friendly face, or your dogs. Where you used to bat at your toys with open hands or fists, you now prefer to hold, to feel, to pull apart and to throw. Where you used to just make noise, you now do so with purpose and you actually expect to have someone (or something) respond. You are becoming SO MUCH FUN!

You are so funny, you know: you greet the world with an open mouth. From the wide, open-mouthed smile that has become so familiar, to the way that anything that makes its way into your tiny fists is immediately thrust in the general vicinity of your mouth, to the way you also use that mouth to communicate your many needs, you are definitely tasting life with great zeal. I hope you always stay as open to the world as you are right now.

Seth, I can't possibly guess what this world has in store for you, but I do know it will entail a great deal of growth and transformation - some of it on your part, and some on ours. Already your Dad and I look at our world differently. It is in some ways a more interesting place, and in a lot of ways a much scarier place. As you mature you will learn how both your father and I are obsessed with being good - being good to you, to each other, to other people, to this world. Being good at what we do, at what we are. Sometimes, we know, we will miss the mark - but our intentions are pure. We want to be good parents - the very best - and we talk a lot about what this entails. So as you grow up and go through phases of loving and hating us, of appreciating and resenting what we do, of thinking we're the coolest thing and of being in a perpetual state of mortification, at the end of your story you can know that we didn't take our parental duties lightly, that we have made all of our decisions very deliberately, and have always had your very best intentions in our hearts.

So when we screw up, cut us some slack. We did it deliberately... but not on purpose!

Love,
Mummy

today you are four months old

Dear Seth,

You are only four months old, but already you look like a much older baby. According to your last pediatrician visit, you are as tall as a seven-month-old, and the weight of a five-and-a-half-month-old. To think I lamented my whole life for having small boobs - evidently they are more than sufficient.

Your size is notable for more reasons than just how you stack up against a chart - it's also how you stack up against your peers. Take for example your girlfriend Charlotte: seven months old, but already you outweigh her. She's longer than you by an inch or two, but very petite. And may I congratulate you on landing an older woman? Charlotte and her parents came over for Easter dinner. You freaked out and wouldn't settle, but Lotte? Went down to sleep and was never heard from again. LEARN THIS!

Now, I know I should not complain. You are still a great nighttime sleeper, although I'm pretty sure you'll be even better at it when we move you to your own bedroom, a transition we plan to attempt this coming month. And daytime sleep? You're even getting better at napping thanks to our super-nanny, Miss Stacey. So let me take a minute to remind you of your first ever nanny, the lady to whom I am trusting you for nine to ten hours per day, four days per week. Miss Stacey did in three days what I have not been able to do in three months: get you to sleep during the day. As she was heading to the bedroom to put you down one afternoon, I noticed you were WIDE awake and making noise and I laughed at the thought of you actually being able to go to sleep. "But he has yawned twice," Miss Stacey explained. Lo and behold, within only 2 minutes, and without any tears, you were asleep. For real.

I like Miss Stacey and am relieved at and delighted with her capabilities as a nanny, (um, and also her willingness to do dishes and laundry - even diaper laundry!) I still don't like the idea that I'm going to miss parts of your growing up. Indeed, I already am. Even though she sends me pictures to my phone, like these ones - including one of you holding your bottle all by yourself like a big boy - and also writes me notes to let me know how your day went, and what you're doing that's new (you rolled over for her, several times! And never for me!) it's also a reminder that I'm not there, seeing it for myself. It makes me think of all the other things I might miss, such as the first crawl, first words, first steps... Like many working moms before me and like many working moms to come, I guess I just have to come to terms with the idea that someone else will be co-raising you. In fact, someone else is going to have way more waking hours with you than I will. Something inside me says that's just not right.

You have become more aware of the people around you, and I love to watch you play with your new friends. Your time at Monday Morning Moms is more interactive for you now that you are noticing the other babies. I know the next few weeks are going to really make a difference in how you play with others. Sharing care with your new "older friend" Jack (he's 21 months old) is going to be really good for your social development. Miss Stacey says that Jack has been really great with you, showing you all his toys and trying to share with you. I think you are getting him used to the idea of having a baby around, which is good since he will have a baby sister in June!

The last month has been full of vocal experimentation on your part. One week you discovered VOLUME, and you used the very loudest voice you could all the time. This is cute, but we were happy when this ceased to be novel to you, and you discovered pitch. Really really high pitch. That one was really quite hilarious, because you would open your mouth and aim for a high note and there would be nothing.... nothing.... and then ultra high-frequency - almost to the point of a dog whistle - falsetto! Once you got over that mini-obsession you spent a week trying to sound like a zombie - a bizarre, undead sort of sound that came from the back of your throat. And now, this past week, you've started to talk like a little human, moving your tongue and your lips and really looking like you're trying to form words. It's pretty funny, though, because sometimes your tongue gets in the way and you end up raspberrying and spitting all over the place. One day you were really talking to your Dad and me for a while and we were not giving you our undivided attention but instead just answering you while continuing whatever else it was we were working on. When I finally looked up at you, you had grown a beard of bubbles!

I guess if I had to give this month a theme, it would be "on the verge," because you seem just about ready for so many things. Things like playing with other babies, walking, talking. I know there is still a lot of time before you get to some of those things, and that really you are not even close to crawling or babysign, let alone the big kid skills they lead to, but if you stood up tomorrow, walked across the room to me and said, in perfect English, "Mom, can have the keys to the car?" I'd only be half-surprised. But for now I'm pretty content to just sit there, snuggling you tightly to my chest and listening to you say "glarg".

I glarg you too, baby.

Love,
Mum

today you are three months old

Dear Seth,

So here we are, you turning three months old, and me dreading all the implications of this: my twelve weeks of maternity leave is OVER. Do we have a nanny for you? NO. Am I stressed out about this? I don't think I even need to answer that question. We have interviewed five people in person, about a dozen by phone, and probably two or three times as many over email. Truth is, I was happiest with our very first interview and I'm disappointed that she took another job. Luckily I have a little bit of time to play with since I'm only back to work part time for the first month. But on to more interesting topics!

So right now we are in Arizona, visiting your Dad's home state, hometown, home home. We are happy to be able to visit, but sad to think it will be our last visit for a long time. We flew into Tucson and were met by your grandparents, whom you were meeting for the first time. What a lovely reunion! Your Grandma and Grandpa have gone all-out in making sure you have everything you need to be happy and comfortable here, and you are dealing with this new situation very well. Besides, with a Grandma and Grandpa doting on you as they are, what can possibly be bad with that situation?

So part and parcel with your trip to Arizona came a number of other firsts: first plane ride (you were awesome - slept most of the way), first glimpse of the sun (what the heck is sun?), and first time meeting many of your Dad's childhood and medical school friends (you were a smash hit - we expect a rash of pregnancy announcements soon :). Also, just today you met your Uncle Colin! He is so in love with you. We can't wait for you to also meet your Aunt Andrea tomorrow.

Prior to this big trip, we also took a few more small ones. You are one well-traveled baby! You and I suckered Grammie into coming to Washington D.C. with us so I could go to a conference. That was an interesting taste of business travel with infant... We are so lucky to have a Grammie who is willing to do this - hang out in a boring old hotel with not-so-boring you. Business travel would be so much more convenient if I weren't breastfeeding, but I am totally dedicated to the task, and Grammie is there to support me in that - Thanks Grammie!

We also spent another week traveling to Ottawa - our last chance, really, before I go back to work. As usual, we had a lovely time but spent too much time visiting people - although rewarding, it is not so relaxing. On the bright side, you did meet some people for the first time: brand new Joshua Porter being one. And as I posted earlier, we actually got to go to the Rideau Canal with Krista and Lochlan - what fun! It was a lovely day for it. You also got to meet my good friend Jess, and her hubby Ben (whom you LOVED!). Jess is due in June, and we can't wait for you and her baby girl to meet!

I've been reflecting a lot lately on motherhood and how it feels. Your Great-Aunt Barb asked both Krista and me "So, does it feel like second nature yet?" My first gut reaction was NO WAY, but Krista answered "Well, I don't know.. it just sort of feels like it's always been this way." And she's right. And for some reason, as I think back on this transition into motherhood, I remember something I used to say when I was a teenager and knew everything: "All mothers are nuts. When you become a mom it's like something inside you breaks, and you become insane." Now that I am on the other side of the fence, as it were, I still kind of feel that way. Yeah, moms (including me) are all crazy. It's an immutable fact, like gravity, that you will learn as you go through your life. And I do still liken this transition process to a breaking of sorts... through childbirth, a very physical breaking. But you know, it's not like the breaking of Humpty Dumpty, or of fine china; it's more like how you have to break the inner glass vial in a glowstick so the light can shine out.

Thanks for breaking me open, baby.

Love,
Mummy

today you are two months old

Dear Seth,

I can't believe how quickly two months have gone by, and how much you have changed in such a short time.

Heather Armstrong at Dooce writes a letter to her daughter, Leta, every month telling her what has happened to her, and how she has grown in the last month. I hate to be a copycat, but it's just such a darned good idea that I think I'll borrow it. Hey, at least I'm citing my references. Besides, you will learn as you grow older that I'm the kind of person who is great at starting things - really wonderful at jumping into stuff with vim and vigour - but the truth is I suck at finishing anything. Just ask your Grammie and Grumps. And your Dad. So I know myself, and I'm fairly confident that despite my best intentions you will never have a proper baby book or scrap book. This website will probably be it, so I'm darned well going to do it right.

One of the best things we did in the last month was to go to Ottawa to meet your new cousin, Lochlan. You two will have so much fun playing together when you get bigger. I am so happy to have Krista and Lochlan on a parallel path to ours. I love that Krista and I have been talking more fequently on the phone, and are able to share so much of this journey. If only we lived closer!

Ever since you were born you've been a great sleeper. Seriously, you've slept all night every night of your life, waking only for feeds. We've been lucky. We've been blessed. We are so so thankful to you for this. However, you pretty much suck at naps. In the last few weeks I've been fighting with you over naptime practically every day. If I put you down and you are not ready, you cry. And if I don't come tend to you, you work yourself up, right into hysterics. Then as I try to calm you down so you might, just might sleep, you do this thing where you hold your breath - as if you can keep yourself from sleeping if you don't breathe. In this last week I feel like I've really gotten somewhere with this nap issue. It is a matter of catching you in that briefest of moments when you are starting to get tired but are not yet truly tired. That moment lasts about 0.36 seconds and it's tough to catch, but if I can, then you will sleep with both eyes shut for at least 45 minutes. When you do, I feel like it's a gift and I treasure it.

Thanks for bearing with me over the last couple of weeks as we have shaken things up a bit and started to (*gasp!*) use cloth diapers. Your Dad isn't so into it, but as you'll find out as you grow older, he's a good sport and he is indulging me by giving cloth diapering his best shot. So far you seem completely unfazed by the change. I don't know what it is about it, but I love the cloth. The only drawback to it that I see is that it makes your butt look big. This somehow does not bother you. You're lucky you're not a girl or you would be developing a complex right now.

In only one month I have to go back to work. The idea of this kills me. I just want to be with you all the time, and it bothers me that I spend so much of our precious time together planning for when I will leave you with someone else. Pumping breast milk, helping Grumps build you a play room in our basement, trying to find a nanny. It's all so that I can feel like when I go to work you will be just as safe, happy and healthy as when you are with me.

Physically your growth amazes me. Of course from one day to the next I don't notice a difference in your size, but just today I was cradling you in my arms (something you don't like very much anymore) and realized just how much bigger you have become. And it's not only your size, but your strength and coordination has come a long way, too. Tummy time, which used to be a war, is now a delight. You hold yourself up on your elbows and look around like you are enjoying this world around you so much. And since you have started to take an interest in the baby in the mirror, you make all sorts of fun noises to talk to him. Where you used to flail about on your playmat, waving your arms and occasionally (very accidentally) batting your toys overhead, you now control your arm movements more and hit those toys on purpose.

As you become more verbal, you express all your joy and all your anger much more loudly than ever before. You still coo gently at me, and at your toys, but sometimes you surprise all of us (even yourself) with a really loud screech that sometimes even sounds like a laugh. And believe me, when you are angry, you let us know that too! Your angry cry is so loud and your tiny little fists pound against my chest like the world is so unfair and my heart breaks a little and I just want to hold you and protect you from that evilness forever.

People told me that I would blink and you would be all grown up, and I can see now how that could be. I'm sure when you hit the terrible toddler years I will be blinking like crazy, just hoping that the next time I open my eyes you'll be over it, but for now I just want to keep my eyes on you all the time. I don't want to miss anything.

Love,
Mummy